Hurtful Things

It boggles me how when a loved one passes away, other’s are there for you the day it happened and up until the day after the Memorial or Funereal. I’m not taking about just acquaintances and friends, I’m also talking about family members. Some can get ugly, cold and even say hurtful things. Not that I think they mean or even want to do or say the things they say, at least I would hope not! After a the service of the loved one who’s passed, those people, including family leave the service and go on with their daily lives. We the grievers   also have daily lives to continue on with, but for us it takes time to process the loss, the hurt, the guilt, the heartache, the anger, the void and so on. Not saying that those  acquaintances, friends and family members don’t hurt, I’m sure they do! But put yourself in the shoes of a daughter who’s just lost her mother who was her best friend, or a sister who just lost her younger brother, or of a father who just lost his son. Think about how you feel about that loss who was your aunt, your cousin, your uncle, your nephew, your niece. The pain and heartache you feel about those losses are 10 x more painful and heartbreaking for those who were the daughter, the sister, the father. These other’s also have to take into consideration on the cause of the loss also! Different kind of losses, cause different kind of heartache and pain. If the shoe were on the other foot, would you want other’s to comfort you? I think that answer would be, yes.  I always say…. Don’t judge the shoes I’ve walked in, until you walked in a pair exactly like mine. I don’t expect those who never lost a parent, sibling, or child to understand, but I do expect respect for those of us who have. I do know this…. I feel quiet sorry for those who say and do hurtful things to those who lost a parent, sibling, or child, because one day they too are going to loss each one of those family members, and they are possibly going to be eating their own words. They are also going to find themselves hearing and having other’s say and do hurtful things to them, and they too are going lash out at those who have done those things. I would not be one of those people because I know first hand what it’s like to lose a parent and a sibling. I do not know what it’s like to lose a child, but my father has lost his son, a family I grew up with has lost a son, and a dear friend of mine has lost a daughter, and I can honestly say that I have never said or would have said anything hurtful to any of them! My children are 17 and 11 years old, and my children are still here with me. I pray to God everyday to watch over my children and keep them safe, because I do not want to know what it feels like to lose a child! I know the heartache and the pain I bare everyday knowing that I lost my younger and only brother, who was like a child to me. So, please, people watch the words and actions for those who are grievers of these kind of losses.

Always With You

A poem a dear friend of mine wrote for my brother’s 2nd Angelversary

t’s been two years since Tim was taken away
His angel wings flying high
Although he can not be here
He’s always by your side

He is always with you
Wherever you may go
The sun, the moon, the stars
And all the trees that grow

As days go by
and time has passed
A brothers love
Was made to last

He may not be able
To say it out loud
His signs are all around you
Without a doubt

When you get that warm feeling
Tim is there holding you tight
To let you know
Everything will be alright

A shining star in heaven
Just look up
And you’ll see
The brightest star in the sky
Forever Tim will be

Written by Lily Ann Gill

There is No Time Limit on Grief

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via There is No Time Limit on Grief.

Benefit for Victims

On February 10th 2013 was my brother’s 1 year Angelversary of his homicide, and my 10 year old daughter wanted to do something special. I told her we’d have a little party at our house the Saturday February 9th. I post the event on a social network and got so many responds. I really should have known it wasn’t going to be just a little celebration, after all he had over 300 people at his memorial service. I then called a hall to rent, got a DJ and decided to make it a big celebration of his life. In the meantime, I had people sending donations and donating items, food, and such. I had no idea what I was going to do with all the stuff that was being donated. It was then the ladies I work with from the Autism Society of Berks, said about raffling the stuff off, and raising money. I thought that was a great idea, however, the family didn’t need any money. After the homicide of my brother, our family got a lot of help from a nonprofit organization called Years of Tears. The nonprofit organization raises awareness and rights for homicide victims and their families here in Berks County, Pa. The president of this organization has been friends of our family for many years, and I am glad to know her, and glad to have gotten to know other’s who have been affected by such tragedy. It was then that I thought what a great way to pay the organization back for all their time and help, but to donate any money we raise to the nonprofit organization. I am also proud to say, not only have this organization became a part of my family, but I am now the secretary of Years of Tears. I worked night and day on the benefit to make it a success. We had about 40  items people donated that we raffled off. I also had one of those fake trees there with pictures of my brother clipped to the leaves. He was a tree trimmer, so I clipped pictures to the leaves of the tree, and people took a picture of him in return for cash. We had several $20, one $100, two $2, etc bills. We had plenty of food, drinks, and a awesome poker cake done by our cousin. We danced, told stories  had pictures of him throughout the hall, and had a book where we could write my brother a message.  The event went from 7:00 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. Everyone had a great time and it was a successful turnout and at the end of the night we had raised $758 for the nonprofit organization Years or Tears. It was a little hectic, but well worth it. Not only did we celebrate my brother’s life, but we helped other’s who endured such tragedy, a tragedy you never get passed. I think I did very well considering this had been the first benefit I did, and I’d gladly do it again, with the exception of changing a few things.

Hands of love

On the night of January 28th 2012 is the last time I seen, spent, touched, and said goodbye to my brother. These hands of his, so gentle and soft, yet strong. These are the hands I seen grow from soft baby hands to young man hands. These are the hands that held their own, from cutting down trees, to having to defend anyone who would harm theses hands loved ones. These hands have did many things from holding heavy work equipment to his nieces and nephews. These hands had such a rugged look, but loved so deeply. These are the hands that touched my hands that night and these are the hands I never wanted to let go of, for these are the hands, I felt so safe with. These are the hands I will always feel and never forget the way they felt in my hands. These are the hands of love and the ones I will always miss.

Unfortunately it’s all true

This is a blog that I can’t believe I’m writing or have to write! I posted my blog around the internet to tell my journey and the journey of grief that people go through. I and my family have had three deaths within six months apart…. No lie. I had got a reply back telling me, my story was beautiful, but they really hoped it was a true one. It’s kind of sad that someone would think like that, and then question the griever, almost as sad as someone making stories on death up. Death is something to never joke about or make up. People lose loved ones everyday, from grandparents who have got old, to very young children. I would never make up a story about losing loved ones, much less losing a loved one to homicide. Losing a loved one is so hard on anyone, even such as losing an older person who’s lived a long life. My mother was not very old, but she lived for fifty seven great years, and she passed peacefully, and I would never make up that story, much less a story such as losing my only younger brother to homicide! He was only thirty one and only a young man, who was just starting his life! When you lose a younger loved one, it is the hardest thing to have to go through, but to lose a young loved one to homicide is so cruel and unnatural! It takes up your whole being! It takes over you, psychically, emotionally, mentally, and it consumes you and takes from your whole life and world! I’m not out to get pity, I’m not out to make friends, and I’m not out to get anything out of my stories….. Except….. for other’s to know they are not alone and there is nothing wrong with grieving, or no time limit on grieving! My family and I were devastated when we lost my mother and my husbands mother naturally, but the pain we felt and still feel, when we lost my brother is a pain I hope no one has to ever endure!  I have many downs in my life, but never anything such as this! This is my story and there is nothing untrue about it!

Tim’s Years of Tears page

http://www.yearsoftears.org/timreber.html

What it’s like to lose a sibling

I am a child of five children and one of the oldest, there were four girls and one boy. I was the second oldest girl and one with health issues. I was born with a heart defect and later in elementary developed scoliosis. My mother was always on pins and needles because she never knew if I’d make from day to day. I was always in and out of Children’s Hospital of Philly, and spent days, weeks, and even months in there, it pretty much became my home away from home.  Through all my struggles to keep alive I adored my siblings, we were like all siblings, we laughed, we played, we argued, we got each other in trouble, but most of all we loved each other and stuck by each other through thick and thin. Me being older and not able to do much I loved to be around and care for my younger siblings. I’d play mother to them with the help of my mother. As I got older I started to have that motherly instinct, when my brother and youngest sister came along, I became attached to them almost instant. I remember my mother calling me from the hospital and telling me they had a first name for my brother, but had a few in mind for the middle name, one of the names was Brian. I told my mom Brian because my first name began with the letter B, and we had a Tara, Tracy, and Brooke, and now a Timothy Brian. When my mother brought him home from the hospital I remember her laying him in the front bedroom of my Nan’s house and I snuck in the bedroom, and just laid there with him watching him sleep. I would say I always protected him and stuck up for him because he was the only boy and quite goofy, but in a funny, loving way. If you ever wanted a laugh, he was sure to give you one! About six years later along came my youngest sister…. The baby of the house. I also remember getting the phone call from the hospital from my mother, and once again telling me they had a middle name picked out, but have a few in mind for the first name, and one of the names was Brittany, of course I told my mom Brittany because there was a Tara, Tracy, Brooke, and Timothy. So we needed another B name, so I feel as if I was the odd one out. (Lol,) About the time my mother came home from the hospital with my baby sister, I was home sick from school. I’d get up with my mother for midnight feedings and changing. She was the cutest little thing you’d ever seen! She had beautiful soft skin and beautiful blue eyes, she look as pure as a china doll. Timothy and Brittany weren’t just my mother’s children, but also felt like mine also because of the motherly bond I had with them as infants. As I grew and became having my own life, I never thought of them any different, and I have always tended to be overprotected of them both, and they always had a special piece of my heart, as if I had been their mother. About five years ago our world changed, our parents separated and even though we were all adults, it had an impacted on us. Slowly our mother became sick and her health started to decline. She was in and out of hospitals and nursing/rehabs. She had her leg amputated in June or July due to diabetes. She made it through that well, and on August 7th 2011 she had a few of her toes amputated on the foot she still had, and pulled through that well. On August 10th 2011 we lost our mother, three days after her 57th birthday. After the passing of our mother, the siblings stuck together and became even closer and stronger, for we only had each other to lean on. The holidays came around and we celebrated our first Holiday without our mother, we had Thanksgiving here at my house, and Christmas Eve at my sister Tracy’s. We had so much fun and made so many great memories, there was more memories to be made throughout the end of January. On January 28th 2012 all the siblings went out together and had a great time and once again made some great memories. My brother was exceptionally clingy and happy, he loved the attention he got from his sisters that night. Little did we know that would be the last night we’d see and make memories with our brother. On February 10th 2012, six months to the day of our mother’s passing, I got a call from my sister Tracy telling my husband that my brother had been shot, he had been murdered. The little baby boy I remember my mother bring home from the hospital, and the child I became attached to as if he were my own was gone! It was if my whole world had shattered, my very first baby boy was gone! Not by God’s doing, but by the hands of another! The piece of my heart that he held was in a million pieces and can never be repaired…. No bandage or band aid will heal this scar. I was eight years older then him and was the one with the health issues, even though he was eight years younger then me, he was as overprotected of me, as I was of him. I never in my life thought that my baby brother would leave this world before me.  I know I must move forward for me, my husband, my children, the rest of my family, and my friends, and in my own time I know I will, but the pain and heartache will always remain. I have been through so much hurt and pain throughout my life, being a child with health issues, but this is the most unbearable pain I’ve ever experienced! Homicide is the most unnatural death ever, and anyone who has not gone through it first hand will never understand the pain, heartache, and scar you will live and it leaves behind!